> [Considers this silently, and finally says,] I think, in any world, that having a purpose that suits your true nature is given to very few. If you can't live without that - maybe it's right to go looking for it.
I want to... I have to. But it's not like I can just go learn at the academy. You're the only one who would understand... Can you show me how? It won't do you any harm. I'm not stupid. I can keep the inside world to the inside, and the outsiders won't even know. You didn't even know I was there, did you?
[It's a strange, completely new paradigm for me to learn. One in which being genuine and sincere isn't the thing that will impress people, in which convincing them that I'm not lying to them isn't going to get them to trust me, because they think about whether I'm a liability, as well. And in which they're honest with themselves about basing their decisions on what benefits them, rather than trying to be nice to others who are nice. I've missed the target in part because proving myself to this Soubi isn't much at all like proving myself to the people I'm used to. The world I'm used to hasn't prepared me at all.] --I'll never let the secret get out to the outside world. I can handle them.
[If I trust Soubi more for his stumbling, if I feel bizarrely closer to him this way, it's because I'm far more used to avoiding those who would make me feel worthless and inept directly by comparison than those who would get close enough to me to betray me in the first place. The latter have existed, but they've been in the minority. And indirect harm caused by someone else's mistakes has been mostly limited in my prior life to circumstances I couldn't avoid and hadn't influenced. Soubi's wariness is logical and reasonable, but that sort of circumstance doesn't reach my instincts and feelings.]
[As for accepting his anger without complaint, I accept an extraordinary amount from people who have a point. It hadn't even occurred to me to object. Most people I know seem to think this makes me spineless. But I don't even get as far as considering whether I'm avoiding a fight that I'd have no hope of winning, because even before that, I consider it really stupid to push back and stick up for something that was actually wrong.]
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I want to... I have to. But it's not like I can just go learn at the academy. You're the only one who would understand... Can you show me how? It won't do you any harm. I'm not stupid. I can keep the inside world to the inside, and the outsiders won't even know. You didn't even know I was there, did you?
[It's a strange, completely new paradigm for me to learn. One in which being genuine and sincere isn't the thing that will impress people, in which convincing them that I'm not lying to them isn't going to get them to trust me, because they think about whether I'm a liability, as well. And in which they're honest with themselves about basing their decisions on what benefits them, rather than trying to be nice to others who are nice. I've missed the target in part because proving myself to this Soubi isn't much at all like proving myself to the people I'm used to. The world I'm used to hasn't prepared me at all.] --I'll never let the secret get out to the outside world. I can handle them.
[If I trust Soubi more for his stumbling, if I feel bizarrely closer to him this way, it's because I'm far more used to avoiding those who would make me feel worthless and inept directly by comparison than those who would get close enough to me to betray me in the first place. The latter have existed, but they've been in the minority. And indirect harm caused by someone else's mistakes has been mostly limited in my prior life to circumstances I couldn't avoid and hadn't influenced. Soubi's wariness is logical and reasonable, but that sort of circumstance doesn't reach my instincts and feelings.]
[As for accepting his anger without complaint, I accept an extraordinary amount from people who have a point. It hadn't even occurred to me to object. Most people I know seem to think this makes me spineless. But I don't even get as far as considering whether I'm avoiding a fight that I'd have no hope of winning, because even before that, I consider it really stupid to push back and stick up for something that was actually wrong.]