[Liar. He's calling attention to it, despite telling you not to worry, because he's curious what there is behind that light apology. And whether you'll take his words at face value. He softens the impoliteness of his scrutiny with a charming, self-effacing smile.]
It's Agatsuma, by the way. There's no need to exaggerate. [After an infinitesimal, well-bred pause:] What do you go by?
[He's projecting a charismatic warmth at you, as if he wants to put you at ease. When he finishes his cigarette, he doesn't light another.]
[I respond well to projected warmth, real or fake, because it's an end in itself for me. As usual when meeting someone new, I'm projecting something similar.]
[I'd tell him my real name if we weren't in public, but we are.] Ruby is fine for now. [About to explain that it isn't [I]him[/I] I'm worried about, that we could be under watch, and abruptly decides against it. Because I should keep an eye on him myself, if I can.]
It's not an exaggeration. I did come here to meet you because I admire you, after all. Not everyone can win a battle after having their hand nailed to the ground. But I actually mean I admire... [Thoughtful pause. Every word I'd use for it is going to sound ridiculous to a person who has no choice but to be those things.] Your approach to fighting, I suppose.
[Social grease: when he isn't falling apart or trying to put someone off, he's quite good with it. There just aren't many people he cares to interact with.]
[Mm ... he'd find the idea that his journal is being watched a bit odd, given that Nisei is supposed to be restricting his surveillance to Ritsuka. Soubi wasn't told about that, but he can sense Seimei's other fighter. And erased or not, that creep would have to be very stupid to hang around here.]
Ruby, [he says, trying out your false name, and then adds,] how is it that you know about a battle I had in a deserted place in the dead of night?
[Curves an eyebrow with what appears to be polite interest. Internally, though, he's a bit confused. His approach to fighting? HIS ... what.] Oh?
[Waves hand] Oh, you know, it's not a secret. I like magic, so I like to watch battles... [A little sadly.] Because I can't fight. I'm not... I... so I can't... you know.
Anyway! [smiles, so he won't feel like he has to respond to something like that] I think you're really cool, for being exactly what a fighter should be. I mean, I know you went to school for it, but not everyone seems to take it so completely. It's utterly what you are, and you are a thing of beauty to watch.
--Ah, but I'm sorry if it's weird of me to say so to your face. I don't want to make you feel like you're under a mag-- magnifying glass. [Re-re-evaluated too late to pretend I was unaware of any irony there.] I just watched you fight because it's the best way I can imagine feeling the thrill of being someone's fighter. [Somehow, I feel like "creepily personal vicarious experience" will go over much better with Soubi than "celebrity-like popular treatment." And it's very close to the truth.]
[He wouldn't feel like he has to respond to something like that. Ritsu certainly left him with his feelings hanging on the empty air, and withering, often enough that he isn't compelled to distract you from your discomfort. Acknowledging it is entirely optional. But he does.] I see.
[He doesn't push it when you change the subject, though.] Not everyone ... was trained quite as I was. But thank you.
[The magnifying glass comment earns you a sharp look, followed by the barest hint of a smile. He's amused that you know enough about him to choke on an involuntary allusion to Ritsu's butterflies. Or perhaps not so involuntary? Soubi can't decide if that was a calculated slip. He doesn't know you well enough to sense the difference.]
I don't particularly care if it's weird. And [as you've obviously survived this long,] I won't tell you that it's better to keep your mouth shut about what you see. So. What did you want to talk about?
[He doesn't mean to put you on the spot. You just sound like you're circling what you really want to say, so as not to blurt it out immediately.]
[I wouldn't have minded if he didn't acknowledge it. I can roll with that. But I didn't know how he would think he ought to handle it. People often seem to feel put on the spot, as if they are obliged to respond with something or other, when someone displays self-centralised negative emotions in their direction. And I feel like it would be presumptive and annoying of me to call him out here just to complain at him about what I don't have. Still, I'm grateful that he responded in an understanding way, rather than the usual "why would you even want to be a fighter?" I'd get from most people who mean what I do when I say "fighter". I feel accepted for what I like. So I brighten a little at his acknowledgement.]
Not everyone had the potential to accept your training, did they? Or you wouldn't have had such extensive special training, I think. [This could be simply observation. Talented, trainable students are generally paid attention to because they are receptive. As for the butterflies, I could of course have seen his paintings. I'm playing stalker-chan, remember? But he knows I know about the school, so it's an obvious guess either way.]
Oh, heh, I don't think you'd hurt me for telling people things they already know. I'm not going to tell the whole world; I'm not that clumsy. [A slightly embarrassed giggle. Because I'm hoping he thinks I am a little bit clumsy, enough that I wouldn't be hiding anything.] And really, I don't think you'd [looks him over again, instinctively] hurt me without a good reason.
[But then, I hesitate. Answering his next question is something I am afraid of, because it makes me feel vulnerable to admit that I want to be someone's friend, unless they already have encouraged me to do so. Not wanting to spend time on me is a good reason that he may well have. But I get the feeling that with Soubi, I have to say it straight out in order to interface with him.] ...Mostly, I just came out here to see if you'd mind talking a little about the way that I feel a kinship with you, despite the fact that you're capable of awesome things that I can't do. If you don't mind hanging out with me for a bit. Ummm, you... remind me a little of myself [an understatement], and that's really rare, so... [trails off, with genuine shyness]
[As you're somewhat familiar with his world, understanding that you'd want to be a fighter is not difficult for him. Not that, if you were, you'd have any choice about it. But that doesn't seem to bother you, and it's mostly beneath his notice - except when someone is being annoying and harping on it.]
[Long pause, at that. The obvious question is Just how long have you been watching me? But Soubi is nonchalant.] Not everyone does, no. But I think my training would have been extensive, regardless of whether I responded well to it. My teacher had personal reasons for that. [And while fighters don't tend to seek Ritsu-sensei out, many sacrifices have a thing for absolute control and firepower. He could afford to be quite selective, but Soubi had to deal with the fact that he wasn't alone. He did stand out because nobody pushed himself harder. Although ... nobody else depended on Ritsu-sensei as completely as he did.]
I don't plan to. [It's about as casual as such a statement could possibly be. There's no promise that he won't; it's just not on the table for now. You aren't significant enough to consider inflicting damage on. Nagisa more or less desensitized him to women who act incompetent because they think it's more attractive than admitting they're skilled, so your saying you're clumsy carries absolutely no weight with him. Self-perception, especially the kind that's verbalized, is not what he measures people by. He is amused that you'd give him a twice-over, before saying that you don't think he'll hurt you, though.]
If I minded, I would have told you that you didn't interest me in the slightest. [How he manages to make that sound like a pleasantly neutral statement, his mun will never know. Soubi lets it freeze the air for a moment, and then adds,] You're not bothering me.
I have a couple of hours to myself, unless I'm called, and was planning to spend them at the park. If you want to come, we can keep talking. [His words are a little rusty, like he seldom has occasion to invite anyone. Or really, be around anyone without a fixed place in relation to him. That was ... probably the right degree of polite, though. He'll measure it by how you react.]
[Noticing his pause] Oh, everyone says Agatsuma-san had special training. [If I'm not a fighter, I probably can't even get into Goura, right?] I'm just what I look like; I'm a foreign student learning Japanese. ["Foreign", literally "outside-person", has a special emphasis, since I'm also outside the fighter system. But it also carries extra irony given that I'm from further away than he might guess, from another world.]
[Nagisa is an idiot; incompetence is unattractive in my opinion and almost certainly to Soubi as well; but his believing it would have been strategic and was worth a try. Anyway, re-evaluating him just reminds me that I have slow reflexes, no magic and probably not the slightest chance of harming him physically, unless I can pull a psychological shock that he'd probably be prepared for if he had any reason to attack me anyway. I also realise I'm a tiny palette-reversed match with his outfit, with lavender corduroys and a purple lace scarf peeking out under my long dark grey wool coat.]
[Of course it's a neutral statement to me, as well. I'm too literal in my interpretation of conversation to be reading hidden, backhanded messages into things that have no reason to contain them. A person who says something like that would have no trouble insulting me straight out if that's what he meant to do. I hear it as "I'm not sure yet whether you're worth my time," which is not an insult; it's a fact that does not surprise me, given that he's known me for approximately two minutes.]
And sure, I'll come with you. [Brightly. There's no such thing as a "right degree" of polite for me, no default nuanced expectation that doesn't hinge on the expectations of whoever I'm with. It sounded polite to me on account of not being an insult or aggression.]
But yeah, I play video games a lot... [Assuming he'll connect this with how I might have heard about the fighter system.] You know what my childhood dream was? When I was Ritsuka's age. I used to have this recurring fantasy that was always in my mind. I half believed it would happen to me, despite the fact that I knew, or thought I knew, that it was impossible. I thought... I thought I might wander into a place from the games I loved. Or that someone from the games would come to me, maybe talk to me and ask me to come with them, maybe just kidnap me... And they'd take me away somewhere secret and teach me that I had magical powers. [Shakes head sadly] I'm not even kidding, I thought every day that it would-- [Grabs Soubi's sleeve and shakes his arm by it, desperately.] It was real, wasn't it? Why not me? When I thought it would happen even when I didn't know it was real... [I know he doesn't know the answer. But I can't help wanting to plead with someone. As if he represented something.]
Everyone says nothing of the sort. [It's blunt and uninformative, like having your nose pushed against a wall.] And you're not a bad liar, but that was unconvincing. [So unconvincing that he's pointing it out to you, rather than just making a note of it.]
[Soubi's face is completely neutral as you're telling him that you would have wanted to be taken. There's no disbelief or skepticism; your words elicit absolute seriousness. His eyes flicker a little as it all connects with memories - of Nana in tall heels and a surreal outfit of white and gold, of playing in the park with the sunken flower clock, of disoriented little fighters who had no idea where they were or what they were. He'd been a lure. When he wasn't ... training. But that was all before he got tall enough to be intimidating, and lost his ears. There were plenty who held him responsible and felt tricked. Goura's not an easy school to transfer into, at any age.]
>[Shakes head sadly] I'm not even kidding, I thought every day that it would--
[You get a dispassionate, but deeply personal murmur -] You must have hated your life very, very much. [For all that he has what he wants, and is what he believes he should be, being anything else would have been intolerable. Impossible. And he wouldn't have gotten as far as he did if that weren't true. He was running towards something, but he was also running from something. And he recognizes some of both in your words - yearning and desperation.]
[Soubi pulls his sleeve easily out of your hand and puts your forearm in a very businesslike grip.] No one as weak as you has any business trying to shake me. [There's ice in that, but almost immediately, he releases your arm. Soubi blinks, breathes, and puts on a front of I'm Just That Much Of A Jerk to cover for the fact that you actually managed to overstep one of his limits. He's been around very few people who would do that ... who didn't deserve to be growled at because they didn't mean any harm. He doesn't acknowledge what you just did, or what he just did, or the fact that either might have been inappropriate.]
I think you've taken it as a given that this is real. Why else would you walk up to me in a semi-public space and start talking about spell battles? Or is it not so simple?
[I feel so glad to be taken seriously. To know that someone accepts what I did and do desire, believes it's a real thing to want... That I might have been grateful if there had been a sunny-haired boy to lure me away to a place of deep, self-devouring black magic.]
> You must have hated your life very, very much.
I did. [There's dark fire in my eyes. It would be a passionate, lengthy diatribe if the core of it hadn't already been said.]
> [Soubi pulls his sleeve easily out of your hand and puts your forearm in a very businesslike grip.] No one as weak as you has any business trying to shake me. [There's ice in that, but almost immediately, he releases your arm.]
[Winces, puts hands behind my back.] I'm sorry. I have no business taking my feelings out on you. [A bit awkward. I'm clumsy, right? Too clumsy to engage in boundary-testing in a more appropriate way. Let's hope he thinks so. But I also want him to know I do acknowledge it wasn't fair of me to express myself that way, so he doesn't think I'll do it again. As for his return insult, it's too obvious of a fact to be deeply wounding, and I guess I deserved it.]
You mean if I were strong, I'd have some business grabbing you without your consent? I don't underst-- [Pause.] No, I-- I see, I've been in this outside world. Where nobody-- there isn't much of a hierarchy, it's all confusing. And what you're supposed to put up with, you're supposed to put up with regardless of whether someone strong or weak does it; and what you're not supposed to put up with, you're supposed to object to from anyone. And nobody can yell at you for doing something that is socially acceptable regardless of whether they're really okay with you doing it. And what you can do is formed by popular opinion. It probably sounds stupid and fake to you, right? Of course you don't put up with that... You don't have to, you're really strong. I wonder if I could have learned to be stronger than-- than the bottom of the pile I am now... [Why the hell are my eyes getting misty?! This is so embarrassing!! Quickly, I switch topics.]
Well, about the reality... I grew up far away from all of this, and everyone around me insisted that magic wasn't real. I believed that it wasn't real, when I was little. Even while I kept having visions that it would really happen to me. Seeing you, and knowing that it is... I wonder how it could have been real, and yet not happened to me.
[Soubi takes in your apology and the understated physical display of submission. There isn't anything for him to do, as he'd already collected himself. He didn't expect you to try it again, after what he said and did, and that was sort of the point. So your offering an overt "I'll respect you" seems awkward; inexperienced.]
>You mean if I were strong, I'd have some business grabbing you without your consent?
[His eyes narrow, to show that he wouldn't be happy about it, regardless.] If you have enough power, you can do what you like.
[Listens intently to your explanation of why you were confused.] You're right: that sounds ridiculous.
>I wonder if I could have learned to be stronger than-- than the bottom of the pile I am now... [Why the hell are my eyes getting misty?! This is so embarrassing!!
[No. You understand what being unnecessarily weak means. Only someone stupid could say that without any emotion. As if the consequences didn't matter. He has pity for you. Making a place for yourself, above some and below others, is difficult. And a fighter is never the ... top of the heap, as you put it. They're not made for that. But to get as old as you are, and not be as strong as - not even know what you're really capable of, must be so sad. Not least because something in you seems to know it and miss it. He's never met a person who might have been better off, had they been sent to the Academy. It doesn't tend to make mistakes. But the tears in your eyes, when you wonder what they could have made you into, and the audible pain as you speak of what you are, make his heart clench.]
>Seeing you, and knowing that it is... I wonder how it could have been real, and yet not happened to me.
[Considers this silently, and finally says,] I think, in any world, that having a purpose that suits your true nature is given to very few. If you can't live without that - maybe it's right to go looking for it. [Assuming you aren't so lost that you don't know what to look for.]
[Politeness is a mask like any other. He's not sorry to see how you'd react to something he genuinely felt, without filters. It's useful to know that externalizing his anger was overkill, and despite that, you'd accept it without complaint. But he doesn't consider you any more of a friend because you'd stumble in public, or shrug it off afterwards. He's been trained to feel safer around someone who doesn't.]
> [Considers this silently, and finally says,] I think, in any world, that having a purpose that suits your true nature is given to very few. If you can't live without that - maybe it's right to go looking for it.
I want to... I have to. But it's not like I can just go learn at the academy. You're the only one who would understand... Can you show me how? It won't do you any harm. I'm not stupid. I can keep the inside world to the inside, and the outsiders won't even know. You didn't even know I was there, did you?
[It's a strange, completely new paradigm for me to learn. One in which being genuine and sincere isn't the thing that will impress people, in which convincing them that I'm not lying to them isn't going to get them to trust me, because they think about whether I'm a liability, as well. And in which they're honest with themselves about basing their decisions on what benefits them, rather than trying to be nice to others who are nice. I've missed the target in part because proving myself to this Soubi isn't much at all like proving myself to the people I'm used to. The world I'm used to hasn't prepared me at all.] --I'll never let the secret get out to the outside world. I can handle them.
[If I trust Soubi more for his stumbling, if I feel bizarrely closer to him this way, it's because I'm far more used to avoiding those who would make me feel worthless and inept directly by comparison than those who would get close enough to me to betray me in the first place. The latter have existed, but they've been in the minority. And indirect harm caused by someone else's mistakes has been mostly limited in my prior life to circumstances I couldn't avoid and hadn't influenced. Soubi's wariness is logical and reasonable, but that sort of circumstance doesn't reach my instincts and feelings.]
[As for accepting his anger without complaint, I accept an extraordinary amount from people who have a point. It hadn't even occurred to me to object. Most people I know seem to think this makes me spineless. But I don't even get as far as considering whether I'm avoiding a fight that I'd have no hope of winning, because even before that, I consider it really stupid to push back and stick up for something that was actually wrong.]
>I want to... I have to. But it's not like I can just go learn at the academy.
No, it isn't, [Soubi agrees, half-listening and toying with possibilities.]
>You're the only one who would understand... Can you show me how? It won't do you any harm. I'm not stupid. I can keep the inside world to the inside, and the outsiders won't even know.
[Flatly:] I'm not known for being understanding. [He's not going to make promises to someone he really knows nothing about.] And even if ... I don't know how much you could learn, or use. I wasn't born with a name, but I was born a weapon.
>You didn't even know I was there, did you?
That's part of the problem. If I could sense you, it would mean you had some magic in you. [You're getting somewhere, though, when he's framing your not emitting an energy signature as a problem. Not that he's committed to what you've told him, but it's being ... considered.]
>I've missed the target in part because proving myself to this Soubi isn't much at all like proving myself to the people I'm used to. The world I'm used to hasn't prepared me at all.
[Mm. And neither has interacting with Ritsu? No, Soubi doesn't know about that. But his mun is curious.]
>--I'll never let the secret get out to the outside world. I can handle them.
[Impassive.] You're still more than half them, to me.
[Pretending you can turn into something different just by wanting, or saying that you are, will get you nowhere with him. Soubi doesn't play along. Whether being a fighter is something you can attain or not, he has no qualms about making you reach for it. You're better off restless until you find what's real. And anyway, if it turns out you have what it takes, he'll acknowledge you then.]
>[I don't even get as far as considering whether I'm avoiding a fight that I'd have no hope of winning, because even before that, I consider it really stupid to push back and stick up for something that was actually wrong.]
[Ah, yes. Soubi slips into this very naturally indeed - in relation to his master. With the hierarchy, who's saying what, and with what degree of respectfulness, still matters. The message is very far from being the only thing he takes into account. It's wrapped in many other layers of meaning.]
> That's part of the problem. If I could sense you, it would mean you had some magic in you.
[Winces. Despite how easily I took being told I was weak, being told "You don't have any magic in you" feels like being told I'm retarded, dead, and not really a girl, all rolled up in one, and additionally, "we're not sure if anybody can fix that." That was deeply felt, and I hadn't thought of it. I'm knocked speechless for a moment.]
[Whispers] How can I not-- but. [I want to say, "But I'm so here. I'm so alive. Look at me." But that doesn't even make any sense.] Why can't you sense me? What if it could be in there somewhere? [I probably sound stupid. It probably doesn't work like that. No, but what if it's just different from what he's used to?]
[Or... but Ritsu attached himself to me. And Soubi can't even see that? An involuntary shiver creeps down my back. It could have been dangerous if he'd seen it. But if he can't, that's upsetting in a totally different way. I hope it's shielded, and not just too weak to be seen. At least I am already looking distraught and have plenty of excuse to continue to look that way.]
> [Mm. And neither has interacting with Ritsu? No, Soubi doesn't know about that. But his mun is curious.]
[No, that's helped-- the retroactive sense I've made out of his reaction is largely because of what I've picked up from interacting with Ritsu. But that hasn't been enough to overwrite a lifetime of outside-social programming yet.]
> [Impassive.] You're still more than half them, to me.
At least you can trust me to behave myself. I may be them, but I'm not like them. [I'm pretty sure that being "them" includes attitude as well as ability. Whereas what I'd do for magic, and a sacrifice, is totally outside the bounds of what a normal person would consider reasonable. I've had enough of playing nice and safe, not tempting malicious genies or making fatal contracts. I will take fulfilment wherever I can get it.]
>Being told "You don't have any magic in you" feels like being told I'm retarded, dead, and not really a girl, all rolled up in one, and additionally, "we're not sure if anybody can fix that." That was deeply felt, and I hadn't thought of it.
[Soubi, as a result of Ritsu, has a bad habit of not treating something that's "only" true as potentially wounding. So your reaction is unexpected, and less-than-sympathetically received. It does register that his words had the force of a physical blow, and made you feel thoroughly invalidated. But how could ... you admitted that you've been watching him from the sidelines because you aren't a unit. Knowing that, he doesn't understand why anything he said came as a shock.]
>How can I not-- but. [...] Why can't you sense me? What if it could be in there somewhere? [I probably sound stupid. It probably doesn't work like that. No, but what if it's just different from what he's used to?]
[Soubi stops walking. He turns fully towards you and puts a hand on either side of your head. He spreads them apart a little, so that they aren't actually touching you and there's space, while he tries to feel for an energy field. He then puts a brief, tightly controlled flick of power through his hands, eyes never leaving your face.]
>Or... but Ritsu attached himself to me. And Soubi can't even see that?
[Ritsu only leaves marks when he means to. The connection between you two is nobody else's business. And it's absolutely the last thing in the world Soubi would be looking for.]
>I may be them, but I'm not like them.
What you mean is, you'd betray all of that in a heartbeat, if I asked you to prove yourself.
[Which makes you more dangerous, not less. He's not sure why he should trust your sincerity, when you say you're willing to turn against everything you are to become something you're not. What if it´s his world you want to bring down? But there are ways to test that. He's mildly tempted to knock you out, take you home, and call his sensei.]
> [Soubi stops walking. He turns fully towards you and puts a hand on either side of your head. He spreads them apart a little, so that they aren't actually touching you and there's space, while he tries to feel for an energy field. He then puts a brief, tightly controlled flick of power through his hands, eyes never leaving your face.]
[I know that magic isn't accomplished by thinking at things really hard. At the same time, I feel like a flitting consciousness is not what's going to bring out any flickers of anything that I do have. So I just take a deep breath and relax and stare blankly back at him, letting him read whatever's there. I have to keep shoving aside worries about what he'll find or what he won't find, though.]
> What you mean is, you'd betray all of that in a heartbeat, if I asked you to prove yourself.
I never asked to be part of all that. I was just assumed to be part of it because I existed and nobody could imagine that there was any other space where I could be existing. I never made it any promises. So there's nothing to betray.
> [He's mildly tempted to knock you out, take you home, and call his sensei.]
[Well, that would be embarrassing. ...It's not like I expected to accomplish much, anyway. But trying hasn't hurt anything except, potentially, my pride.]
[And somewhere, unspoken, in the recesses of my mind, the fact that we've both behaved inappropriately towards each other feels like a positive thing. Because it underscores that our communication has been very real. I think we are about even, neither owing any further apology, but as the veil of politeness has been briefly dropped, we've seen each other being quite genuine. It seems somehow as if, by hurting each other a little, we are more real friends than before.]
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lifelessbeloved) wrote2012-02-24 04:29 am
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Hi. Sorry I'm a little late~ [cuteface.] It's nice to meet you, perfect-fighter-san.
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[Liar. He's calling attention to it, despite telling you not to worry, because he's curious what there is behind that light apology. And whether you'll take his words at face value. He softens the impoliteness of his scrutiny with a charming, self-effacing smile.]
It's Agatsuma, by the way. There's no need to exaggerate. [After an infinitesimal, well-bred pause:] What do you go by?
[He's projecting a charismatic warmth at you, as if he wants to put you at ease. When he finishes his cigarette, he doesn't light another.]
no subject
[I'd tell him my real name if we weren't in public, but we are.] Ruby is fine for now. [About to explain that it isn't [I]him[/I] I'm worried about, that we could be under watch, and abruptly decides against it. Because I should keep an eye on him myself, if I can.]
It's not an exaggeration. I did come here to meet you because I admire you, after all. Not everyone can win a battle after having their hand nailed to the ground. But I actually mean I admire... [Thoughtful pause. Every word I'd use for it is going to sound ridiculous to a person who has no choice but to be those things.] Your approach to fighting, I suppose.
no subject
[Mm ... he'd find the idea that his journal is being watched a bit odd, given that Nisei is supposed to be restricting his surveillance to Ritsuka. Soubi wasn't told about that, but he can sense Seimei's other fighter. And erased or not, that creep would have to be very stupid to hang around here.]
Ruby, [he says, trying out your false name, and then adds,] how is it that you know about a battle I had in a deserted place in the dead of night?
[Curves an eyebrow with what appears to be polite interest. Internally, though, he's a bit confused. His approach to fighting? HIS ... what.] Oh?
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Anyway! [smiles, so he won't feel like he has to respond to something like that] I think you're really cool, for being exactly what a fighter should be. I mean, I know you went to school for it, but not everyone seems to take it so completely. It's utterly what you are, and you are a thing of beauty to watch.
--Ah, but I'm sorry if it's weird of me to say so to your face. I don't want to make you feel like you're under a mag-- magnifying glass. [Re-re-evaluated too late to pretend I was unaware of any irony there.] I just watched you fight because it's the best way I can imagine feeling the thrill of being someone's fighter. [Somehow, I feel like "creepily personal vicarious experience" will go over much better with Soubi than "celebrity-like popular treatment." And it's very close to the truth.]
no subject
[He doesn't push it when you change the subject, though.] Not everyone ... was trained quite as I was. But thank you.
[The magnifying glass comment earns you a sharp look, followed by the barest hint of a smile. He's amused that you know enough about him to choke on an involuntary allusion to Ritsu's butterflies. Or perhaps not so involuntary? Soubi can't decide if that was a calculated slip. He doesn't know you well enough to sense the difference.]
I don't particularly care if it's weird. And [as you've obviously survived this long,] I won't tell you that it's better to keep your mouth shut about what you see. So. What did you want to talk about?
[He doesn't mean to put you on the spot. You just sound like you're circling what you really want to say, so as not to blurt it out immediately.]
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Not everyone had the potential to accept your training, did they? Or you wouldn't have had such extensive special training, I think. [This could be simply observation. Talented, trainable students are generally paid attention to because they are receptive. As for the butterflies, I could of course have seen his paintings. I'm playing stalker-chan, remember? But he knows I know about the school, so it's an obvious guess either way.]
Oh, heh, I don't think you'd hurt me for telling people things they already know. I'm not going to tell the whole world; I'm not that clumsy. [A slightly embarrassed giggle. Because I'm hoping he thinks I am a little bit clumsy, enough that I wouldn't be hiding anything.] And really, I don't think you'd [looks him over again, instinctively] hurt me without a good reason.
[But then, I hesitate. Answering his next question is something I am afraid of, because it makes me feel vulnerable to admit that I want to be someone's friend, unless they already have encouraged me to do so. Not wanting to spend time on me is a good reason that he may well have. But I get the feeling that with Soubi, I have to say it straight out in order to interface with him.] ...Mostly, I just came out here to see if you'd mind talking a little about the way that I feel a kinship with you, despite the fact that you're capable of awesome things that I can't do. If you don't mind hanging out with me for a bit. Ummm, you... remind me a little of myself [an understatement], and that's really rare, so... [trails off, with genuine shyness]
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[Long pause, at that. The obvious question is Just how long have you been watching me? But Soubi is nonchalant.] Not everyone does, no. But I think my training would have been extensive, regardless of whether I responded well to it. My teacher had personal reasons for that. [And while fighters don't tend to seek Ritsu-sensei out, many sacrifices have a thing for absolute control and firepower. He could afford to be quite selective, but Soubi had to deal with the fact that he wasn't alone. He did stand out because nobody pushed himself harder. Although ... nobody else depended on Ritsu-sensei as completely as he did.]
I don't plan to. [It's about as casual as such a statement could possibly be. There's no promise that he won't; it's just not on the table for now. You aren't significant enough to consider inflicting damage on. Nagisa more or less desensitized him to women who act incompetent because they think it's more attractive than admitting they're skilled, so your saying you're clumsy carries absolutely no weight with him. Self-perception, especially the kind that's verbalized, is not what he measures people by. He is amused that you'd give him a twice-over, before saying that you don't think he'll hurt you, though.]
If I minded, I would have told you that you didn't interest me in the slightest. [How he manages to make that sound like a pleasantly neutral statement, his mun will never know. Soubi lets it freeze the air for a moment, and then adds,] You're not bothering me.
I have a couple of hours to myself, unless I'm called, and was planning to spend them at the park. If you want to come, we can keep talking. [His words are a little rusty, like he seldom has occasion to invite anyone. Or really, be around anyone without a fixed place in relation to him. That was ... probably the right degree of polite, though. He'll measure it by how you react.]
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[Nagisa is an idiot; incompetence is unattractive in my opinion and almost certainly to Soubi as well; but his believing it would have been strategic and was worth a try. Anyway, re-evaluating him just reminds me that I have slow reflexes, no magic and probably not the slightest chance of harming him physically, unless I can pull a psychological shock that he'd probably be prepared for if he had any reason to attack me anyway. I also realise I'm a tiny palette-reversed match with his outfit, with lavender corduroys and a purple lace scarf peeking out under my long dark grey wool coat.]
[Of course it's a neutral statement to me, as well. I'm too literal in my interpretation of conversation to be reading hidden, backhanded messages into things that have no reason to contain them. A person who says something like that would have no trouble insulting me straight out if that's what he meant to do. I hear it as "I'm not sure yet whether you're worth my time," which is not an insult; it's a fact that does not surprise me, given that he's known me for approximately two minutes.]
And sure, I'll come with you. [Brightly. There's no such thing as a "right degree" of polite for me, no default nuanced expectation that doesn't hinge on the expectations of whoever I'm with. It sounded polite to me on account of not being an insult or aggression.]
But yeah, I play video games a lot... [Assuming he'll connect this with how I might have heard about the fighter system.] You know what my childhood dream was? When I was Ritsuka's age. I used to have this recurring fantasy that was always in my mind. I half believed it would happen to me, despite the fact that I knew, or thought I knew, that it was impossible. I thought... I thought I might wander into a place from the games I loved. Or that someone from the games would come to me, maybe talk to me and ask me to come with them, maybe just kidnap me... And they'd take me away somewhere secret and teach me that I had magical powers. [Shakes head sadly] I'm not even kidding, I thought every day that it would-- [Grabs Soubi's sleeve and shakes his arm by it, desperately.] It was real, wasn't it? Why not me? When I thought it would happen even when I didn't know it was real... [I know he doesn't know the answer. But I can't help wanting to plead with someone. As if he represented something.]
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[Soubi's face is completely neutral as you're telling him that you would have wanted to be taken. There's no disbelief or skepticism; your words elicit absolute seriousness. His eyes flicker a little as it all connects with memories - of Nana in tall heels and a surreal outfit of white and gold, of playing in the park with the sunken flower clock, of disoriented little fighters who had no idea where they were or what they were. He'd been a lure. When he wasn't ... training. But that was all before he got tall enough to be intimidating, and lost his ears. There were plenty who held him responsible and felt tricked. Goura's not an easy school to transfer into, at any age.]
>[Shakes head sadly] I'm not even kidding, I thought every day that it would--
[You get a dispassionate, but deeply personal murmur -] You must have hated your life very, very much. [For all that he has what he wants, and is what he believes he should be, being anything else would have been intolerable. Impossible. And he wouldn't have gotten as far as he did if that weren't true. He was running towards something, but he was also running from something. And he recognizes some of both in your words - yearning and desperation.]
[Soubi pulls his sleeve easily out of your hand and puts your forearm in a very businesslike grip.] No one as weak as you has any business trying to shake me. [There's ice in that, but almost immediately, he releases your arm. Soubi blinks, breathes, and puts on a front of I'm Just That Much Of A Jerk to cover for the fact that you actually managed to overstep one of his limits. He's been around very few people who would do that ... who didn't deserve to be growled at because they didn't mean any harm. He doesn't acknowledge what you just did, or what he just did, or the fact that either might have been inappropriate.]
I think you've taken it as a given that this is real. Why else would you walk up to me in a semi-public space and start talking about spell battles? Or is it not so simple?
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> You must have hated your life very, very much.
I did. [There's dark fire in my eyes. It would be a passionate, lengthy diatribe if the core of it hadn't already been said.]
> [Soubi pulls his sleeve easily out of your hand and puts your forearm in a very businesslike grip.] No one as weak as you has any business trying to shake me. [There's ice in that, but almost immediately, he releases your arm.]
[Winces, puts hands behind my back.] I'm sorry. I have no business taking my feelings out on you. [A bit awkward. I'm clumsy, right? Too clumsy to engage in boundary-testing in a more appropriate way. Let's hope he thinks so. But I also want him to know I do acknowledge it wasn't fair of me to express myself that way, so he doesn't think I'll do it again. As for his return insult, it's too obvious of a fact to be deeply wounding, and I guess I deserved it.]
You mean if I were strong, I'd have some business grabbing you without your consent? I don't underst-- [Pause.] No, I-- I see, I've been in this outside world. Where nobody-- there isn't much of a hierarchy, it's all confusing. And what you're supposed to put up with, you're supposed to put up with regardless of whether someone strong or weak does it; and what you're not supposed to put up with, you're supposed to object to from anyone. And nobody can yell at you for doing something that is socially acceptable regardless of whether they're really okay with you doing it. And what you can do is formed by popular opinion. It probably sounds stupid and fake to you, right? Of course you don't put up with that... You don't have to, you're really strong. I wonder if I could have learned to be stronger than-- than the bottom of the pile I am now... [Why the hell are my eyes getting misty?! This is so embarrassing!! Quickly, I switch topics.]
Well, about the reality... I grew up far away from all of this, and everyone around me insisted that magic wasn't real. I believed that it wasn't real, when I was little. Even while I kept having visions that it would really happen to me. Seeing you, and knowing that it is... I wonder how it could have been real, and yet not happened to me.
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>You mean if I were strong, I'd have some business grabbing you without your consent?
[His eyes narrow, to show that he wouldn't be happy about it, regardless.] If you have enough power, you can do what you like.
[Listens intently to your explanation of why you were confused.] You're right: that sounds ridiculous.
>I wonder if I could have learned to be stronger than-- than the bottom of the pile I am now... [Why the hell are my eyes getting misty?! This is so embarrassing!!
[No. You understand what being unnecessarily weak means. Only someone stupid could say that without any emotion. As if the consequences didn't matter. He has pity for you. Making a place for yourself, above some and below others, is difficult. And a fighter is never the ... top of the heap, as you put it. They're not made for that. But to get as old as you are, and not be as strong as - not even know what you're really capable of, must be so sad. Not least because something in you seems to know it and miss it. He's never met a person who might have been better off, had they been sent to the Academy. It doesn't tend to make mistakes. But the tears in your eyes, when you wonder what they could have made you into, and the audible pain as you speak of what you are, make his heart clench.]
>Seeing you, and knowing that it is... I wonder how it could have been real, and yet not happened to me.
[Considers this silently, and finally says,] I think, in any world, that having a purpose that suits your true nature is given to very few. If you can't live without that - maybe it's right to go looking for it. [Assuming you aren't so lost that you don't know what to look for.]
[Politeness is a mask like any other. He's not sorry to see how you'd react to something he genuinely felt, without filters. It's useful to know that externalizing his anger was overkill, and despite that, you'd accept it without complaint. But he doesn't consider you any more of a friend because you'd stumble in public, or shrug it off afterwards. He's been trained to feel safer around someone who doesn't.]
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I want to... I have to. But it's not like I can just go learn at the academy. You're the only one who would understand... Can you show me how? It won't do you any harm. I'm not stupid. I can keep the inside world to the inside, and the outsiders won't even know. You didn't even know I was there, did you?
[It's a strange, completely new paradigm for me to learn. One in which being genuine and sincere isn't the thing that will impress people, in which convincing them that I'm not lying to them isn't going to get them to trust me, because they think about whether I'm a liability, as well. And in which they're honest with themselves about basing their decisions on what benefits them, rather than trying to be nice to others who are nice. I've missed the target in part because proving myself to this Soubi isn't much at all like proving myself to the people I'm used to. The world I'm used to hasn't prepared me at all.] --I'll never let the secret get out to the outside world. I can handle them.
[If I trust Soubi more for his stumbling, if I feel bizarrely closer to him this way, it's because I'm far more used to avoiding those who would make me feel worthless and inept directly by comparison than those who would get close enough to me to betray me in the first place. The latter have existed, but they've been in the minority. And indirect harm caused by someone else's mistakes has been mostly limited in my prior life to circumstances I couldn't avoid and hadn't influenced. Soubi's wariness is logical and reasonable, but that sort of circumstance doesn't reach my instincts and feelings.]
[As for accepting his anger without complaint, I accept an extraordinary amount from people who have a point. It hadn't even occurred to me to object. Most people I know seem to think this makes me spineless. But I don't even get as far as considering whether I'm avoiding a fight that I'd have no hope of winning, because even before that, I consider it really stupid to push back and stick up for something that was actually wrong.]
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No, it isn't, [Soubi agrees, half-listening and toying with possibilities.]
>You're the only one who would understand... Can you show me how? It won't do you any harm. I'm not stupid. I can keep the inside world to the inside, and the outsiders won't even know.
[Flatly:] I'm not known for being understanding. [He's not going to make promises to someone he really knows nothing about.] And even if ... I don't know how much you could learn, or use. I wasn't born with a name, but I was born a weapon.
>You didn't even know I was there, did you?
That's part of the problem. If I could sense you, it would mean you had some magic in you. [You're getting somewhere, though, when he's framing your not emitting an energy signature as a problem. Not that he's committed to what you've told him, but it's being ... considered.]
>I've missed the target in part because proving myself to this Soubi isn't much at all like proving myself to the people I'm used to. The world I'm used to hasn't prepared me at all.
[Mm. And neither has interacting with Ritsu? No, Soubi doesn't know about that. But his mun is curious.]
>--I'll never let the secret get out to the outside world. I can handle them.
[Impassive.] You're still more than half them, to me.
[Pretending you can turn into something different just by wanting, or saying that you are, will get you nowhere with him. Soubi doesn't play along. Whether being a fighter is something you can attain or not, he has no qualms about making you reach for it. You're better off restless until you find what's real. And anyway, if it turns out you have what it takes, he'll acknowledge you then.]
>[I don't even get as far as considering whether I'm avoiding a fight that I'd have no hope of winning, because even before that, I consider it really stupid to push back and stick up for something that was actually wrong.]
[Ah, yes. Soubi slips into this very naturally indeed - in relation to his master. With the hierarchy, who's saying what, and with what degree of respectfulness, still matters. The message is very far from being the only thing he takes into account. It's wrapped in many other layers of meaning.]
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[Winces. Despite how easily I took being told I was weak, being told "You don't have any magic in you" feels like being told I'm retarded, dead, and not really a girl, all rolled up in one, and additionally, "we're not sure if anybody can fix that." That was deeply felt, and I hadn't thought of it. I'm knocked speechless for a moment.]
[Whispers] How can I not-- but. [I want to say, "But I'm so here. I'm so alive. Look at me." But that doesn't even make any sense.] Why can't you sense me? What if it could be in there somewhere? [I probably sound stupid. It probably doesn't work like that. No, but what if it's just different from what he's used to?]
[Or... but Ritsu attached himself to me. And Soubi can't even see that? An involuntary shiver creeps down my back. It could have been dangerous if he'd seen it. But if he can't, that's upsetting in a totally different way. I hope it's shielded, and not just too weak to be seen. At least I am already looking distraught and have plenty of excuse to continue to look that way.]
> [Mm. And neither has interacting with Ritsu? No, Soubi doesn't know about that. But his mun is curious.]
[No, that's helped-- the retroactive sense I've made out of his reaction is largely because of what I've picked up from interacting with Ritsu. But that hasn't been enough to overwrite a lifetime of outside-social programming yet.]
> [Impassive.] You're still more than half them, to me.
At least you can trust me to behave myself. I may be them, but I'm not like them. [I'm pretty sure that being "them" includes attitude as well as ability. Whereas what I'd do for magic, and a sacrifice, is totally outside the bounds of what a normal person would consider reasonable. I've had enough of playing nice and safe, not tempting malicious genies or making fatal contracts. I will take fulfilment wherever I can get it.]
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[Soubi, as a result of Ritsu, has a bad habit of not treating something that's "only" true as potentially wounding. So your reaction is unexpected, and less-than-sympathetically received. It does register that his words had the force of a physical blow, and made you feel thoroughly invalidated. But how could ... you admitted that you've been watching him from the sidelines because you aren't a unit. Knowing that, he doesn't understand why anything he said came as a shock.]
>How can I not-- but. [...] Why can't you sense me? What if it could be in there somewhere? [I probably sound stupid. It probably doesn't work like that. No, but what if it's just different from what he's used to?]
[Soubi stops walking. He turns fully towards you and puts a hand on either side of your head. He spreads them apart a little, so that they aren't actually touching you and there's space, while he tries to feel for an energy field. He then puts a brief, tightly controlled flick of power through his hands, eyes never leaving your face.]
>Or... but Ritsu attached himself to me. And Soubi can't even see that?
[Ritsu only leaves marks when he means to. The connection between you two is nobody else's business. And it's absolutely the last thing in the world Soubi would be looking for.]
>I may be them, but I'm not like them.
What you mean is, you'd betray all of that in a heartbeat, if I asked you to prove yourself.
[Which makes you more dangerous, not less. He's not sure why he should trust your sincerity, when you say you're willing to turn against everything you are to become something you're not. What if it´s his world you want to bring down? But there are ways to test that. He's mildly tempted to knock you out, take you home, and call his sensei.]
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> [Soubi stops walking. He turns fully towards you and puts a hand on either side of your head. He spreads them apart a little, so that they aren't actually touching you and there's space, while he tries to feel for an energy field. He then puts a brief, tightly controlled flick of power through his hands, eyes never leaving your face.]
[I know that magic isn't accomplished by thinking at things really hard. At the same time, I feel like a flitting consciousness is not what's going to bring out any flickers of anything that I do have. So I just take a deep breath and relax and stare blankly back at him, letting him read whatever's there. I have to keep shoving aside worries about what he'll find or what he won't find, though.]
> What you mean is, you'd betray all of that in a heartbeat, if I asked you to prove yourself.
I never asked to be part of all that. I was just assumed to be part of it because I existed and nobody could imagine that there was any other space where I could be existing. I never made it any promises. So there's nothing to betray.
> [He's mildly tempted to knock you out, take you home, and call his sensei.]
[Well, that would be embarrassing. ...It's not like I expected to accomplish much, anyway. But trying hasn't hurt anything except, potentially, my pride.]
observations