[I feel so glad to be taken seriously. To know that someone accepts what I did and do desire, believes it's a real thing to want... That I might have been grateful if there had been a sunny-haired boy to lure me away to a place of deep, self-devouring black magic.]
> You must have hated your life very, very much.
I did. [There's dark fire in my eyes. It would be a passionate, lengthy diatribe if the core of it hadn't already been said.]
> [Soubi pulls his sleeve easily out of your hand and puts your forearm in a very businesslike grip.] No one as weak as you has any business trying to shake me. [There's ice in that, but almost immediately, he releases your arm.]
[Winces, puts hands behind my back.] I'm sorry. I have no business taking my feelings out on you. [A bit awkward. I'm clumsy, right? Too clumsy to engage in boundary-testing in a more appropriate way. Let's hope he thinks so. But I also want him to know I do acknowledge it wasn't fair of me to express myself that way, so he doesn't think I'll do it again. As for his return insult, it's too obvious of a fact to be deeply wounding, and I guess I deserved it.]
You mean if I were strong, I'd have some business grabbing you without your consent? I don't underst-- [Pause.] No, I-- I see, I've been in this outside world. Where nobody-- there isn't much of a hierarchy, it's all confusing. And what you're supposed to put up with, you're supposed to put up with regardless of whether someone strong or weak does it; and what you're not supposed to put up with, you're supposed to object to from anyone. And nobody can yell at you for doing something that is socially acceptable regardless of whether they're really okay with you doing it. And what you can do is formed by popular opinion. It probably sounds stupid and fake to you, right? Of course you don't put up with that... You don't have to, you're really strong. I wonder if I could have learned to be stronger than-- than the bottom of the pile I am now... [Why the hell are my eyes getting misty?! This is so embarrassing!! Quickly, I switch topics.]
Well, about the reality... I grew up far away from all of this, and everyone around me insisted that magic wasn't real. I believed that it wasn't real, when I was little. Even while I kept having visions that it would really happen to me. Seeing you, and knowing that it is... I wonder how it could have been real, and yet not happened to me.
[Soubi takes in your apology and the understated physical display of submission. There isn't anything for him to do, as he'd already collected himself. He didn't expect you to try it again, after what he said and did, and that was sort of the point. So your offering an overt "I'll respect you" seems awkward; inexperienced.]
>You mean if I were strong, I'd have some business grabbing you without your consent?
[His eyes narrow, to show that he wouldn't be happy about it, regardless.] If you have enough power, you can do what you like.
[Listens intently to your explanation of why you were confused.] You're right: that sounds ridiculous.
>I wonder if I could have learned to be stronger than-- than the bottom of the pile I am now... [Why the hell are my eyes getting misty?! This is so embarrassing!!
[No. You understand what being unnecessarily weak means. Only someone stupid could say that without any emotion. As if the consequences didn't matter. He has pity for you. Making a place for yourself, above some and below others, is difficult. And a fighter is never the ... top of the heap, as you put it. They're not made for that. But to get as old as you are, and not be as strong as - not even know what you're really capable of, must be so sad. Not least because something in you seems to know it and miss it. He's never met a person who might have been better off, had they been sent to the Academy. It doesn't tend to make mistakes. But the tears in your eyes, when you wonder what they could have made you into, and the audible pain as you speak of what you are, make his heart clench.]
>Seeing you, and knowing that it is... I wonder how it could have been real, and yet not happened to me.
[Considers this silently, and finally says,] I think, in any world, that having a purpose that suits your true nature is given to very few. If you can't live without that - maybe it's right to go looking for it. [Assuming you aren't so lost that you don't know what to look for.]
[Politeness is a mask like any other. He's not sorry to see how you'd react to something he genuinely felt, without filters. It's useful to know that externalizing his anger was overkill, and despite that, you'd accept it without complaint. But he doesn't consider you any more of a friend because you'd stumble in public, or shrug it off afterwards. He's been trained to feel safer around someone who doesn't.]
> [Considers this silently, and finally says,] I think, in any world, that having a purpose that suits your true nature is given to very few. If you can't live without that - maybe it's right to go looking for it.
I want to... I have to. But it's not like I can just go learn at the academy. You're the only one who would understand... Can you show me how? It won't do you any harm. I'm not stupid. I can keep the inside world to the inside, and the outsiders won't even know. You didn't even know I was there, did you?
[It's a strange, completely new paradigm for me to learn. One in which being genuine and sincere isn't the thing that will impress people, in which convincing them that I'm not lying to them isn't going to get them to trust me, because they think about whether I'm a liability, as well. And in which they're honest with themselves about basing their decisions on what benefits them, rather than trying to be nice to others who are nice. I've missed the target in part because proving myself to this Soubi isn't much at all like proving myself to the people I'm used to. The world I'm used to hasn't prepared me at all.] --I'll never let the secret get out to the outside world. I can handle them.
[If I trust Soubi more for his stumbling, if I feel bizarrely closer to him this way, it's because I'm far more used to avoiding those who would make me feel worthless and inept directly by comparison than those who would get close enough to me to betray me in the first place. The latter have existed, but they've been in the minority. And indirect harm caused by someone else's mistakes has been mostly limited in my prior life to circumstances I couldn't avoid and hadn't influenced. Soubi's wariness is logical and reasonable, but that sort of circumstance doesn't reach my instincts and feelings.]
[As for accepting his anger without complaint, I accept an extraordinary amount from people who have a point. It hadn't even occurred to me to object. Most people I know seem to think this makes me spineless. But I don't even get as far as considering whether I'm avoiding a fight that I'd have no hope of winning, because even before that, I consider it really stupid to push back and stick up for something that was actually wrong.]
>I want to... I have to. But it's not like I can just go learn at the academy.
No, it isn't, [Soubi agrees, half-listening and toying with possibilities.]
>You're the only one who would understand... Can you show me how? It won't do you any harm. I'm not stupid. I can keep the inside world to the inside, and the outsiders won't even know.
[Flatly:] I'm not known for being understanding. [He's not going to make promises to someone he really knows nothing about.] And even if ... I don't know how much you could learn, or use. I wasn't born with a name, but I was born a weapon.
>You didn't even know I was there, did you?
That's part of the problem. If I could sense you, it would mean you had some magic in you. [You're getting somewhere, though, when he's framing your not emitting an energy signature as a problem. Not that he's committed to what you've told him, but it's being ... considered.]
>I've missed the target in part because proving myself to this Soubi isn't much at all like proving myself to the people I'm used to. The world I'm used to hasn't prepared me at all.
[Mm. And neither has interacting with Ritsu? No, Soubi doesn't know about that. But his mun is curious.]
>--I'll never let the secret get out to the outside world. I can handle them.
[Impassive.] You're still more than half them, to me.
[Pretending you can turn into something different just by wanting, or saying that you are, will get you nowhere with him. Soubi doesn't play along. Whether being a fighter is something you can attain or not, he has no qualms about making you reach for it. You're better off restless until you find what's real. And anyway, if it turns out you have what it takes, he'll acknowledge you then.]
>[I don't even get as far as considering whether I'm avoiding a fight that I'd have no hope of winning, because even before that, I consider it really stupid to push back and stick up for something that was actually wrong.]
[Ah, yes. Soubi slips into this very naturally indeed - in relation to his master. With the hierarchy, who's saying what, and with what degree of respectfulness, still matters. The message is very far from being the only thing he takes into account. It's wrapped in many other layers of meaning.]
> That's part of the problem. If I could sense you, it would mean you had some magic in you.
[Winces. Despite how easily I took being told I was weak, being told "You don't have any magic in you" feels like being told I'm retarded, dead, and not really a girl, all rolled up in one, and additionally, "we're not sure if anybody can fix that." That was deeply felt, and I hadn't thought of it. I'm knocked speechless for a moment.]
[Whispers] How can I not-- but. [I want to say, "But I'm so here. I'm so alive. Look at me." But that doesn't even make any sense.] Why can't you sense me? What if it could be in there somewhere? [I probably sound stupid. It probably doesn't work like that. No, but what if it's just different from what he's used to?]
[Or... but Ritsu attached himself to me. And Soubi can't even see that? An involuntary shiver creeps down my back. It could have been dangerous if he'd seen it. But if he can't, that's upsetting in a totally different way. I hope it's shielded, and not just too weak to be seen. At least I am already looking distraught and have plenty of excuse to continue to look that way.]
> [Mm. And neither has interacting with Ritsu? No, Soubi doesn't know about that. But his mun is curious.]
[No, that's helped-- the retroactive sense I've made out of his reaction is largely because of what I've picked up from interacting with Ritsu. But that hasn't been enough to overwrite a lifetime of outside-social programming yet.]
> [Impassive.] You're still more than half them, to me.
At least you can trust me to behave myself. I may be them, but I'm not like them. [I'm pretty sure that being "them" includes attitude as well as ability. Whereas what I'd do for magic, and a sacrifice, is totally outside the bounds of what a normal person would consider reasonable. I've had enough of playing nice and safe, not tempting malicious genies or making fatal contracts. I will take fulfilment wherever I can get it.]
>Being told "You don't have any magic in you" feels like being told I'm retarded, dead, and not really a girl, all rolled up in one, and additionally, "we're not sure if anybody can fix that." That was deeply felt, and I hadn't thought of it.
[Soubi, as a result of Ritsu, has a bad habit of not treating something that's "only" true as potentially wounding. So your reaction is unexpected, and less-than-sympathetically received. It does register that his words had the force of a physical blow, and made you feel thoroughly invalidated. But how could ... you admitted that you've been watching him from the sidelines because you aren't a unit. Knowing that, he doesn't understand why anything he said came as a shock.]
>How can I not-- but. [...] Why can't you sense me? What if it could be in there somewhere? [I probably sound stupid. It probably doesn't work like that. No, but what if it's just different from what he's used to?]
[Soubi stops walking. He turns fully towards you and puts a hand on either side of your head. He spreads them apart a little, so that they aren't actually touching you and there's space, while he tries to feel for an energy field. He then puts a brief, tightly controlled flick of power through his hands, eyes never leaving your face.]
>Or... but Ritsu attached himself to me. And Soubi can't even see that?
[Ritsu only leaves marks when he means to. The connection between you two is nobody else's business. And it's absolutely the last thing in the world Soubi would be looking for.]
>I may be them, but I'm not like them.
What you mean is, you'd betray all of that in a heartbeat, if I asked you to prove yourself.
[Which makes you more dangerous, not less. He's not sure why he should trust your sincerity, when you say you're willing to turn against everything you are to become something you're not. What if it´s his world you want to bring down? But there are ways to test that. He's mildly tempted to knock you out, take you home, and call his sensei.]
> [Soubi stops walking. He turns fully towards you and puts a hand on either side of your head. He spreads them apart a little, so that they aren't actually touching you and there's space, while he tries to feel for an energy field. He then puts a brief, tightly controlled flick of power through his hands, eyes never leaving your face.]
[I know that magic isn't accomplished by thinking at things really hard. At the same time, I feel like a flitting consciousness is not what's going to bring out any flickers of anything that I do have. So I just take a deep breath and relax and stare blankly back at him, letting him read whatever's there. I have to keep shoving aside worries about what he'll find or what he won't find, though.]
> What you mean is, you'd betray all of that in a heartbeat, if I asked you to prove yourself.
I never asked to be part of all that. I was just assumed to be part of it because I existed and nobody could imagine that there was any other space where I could be existing. I never made it any promises. So there's nothing to betray.
> [He's mildly tempted to knock you out, take you home, and call his sensei.]
[Well, that would be embarrassing. ...It's not like I expected to accomplish much, anyway. But trying hasn't hurt anything except, potentially, my pride.]
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lifelessbeloved) wrote2012-02-24 04:29 am
no subject
> You must have hated your life very, very much.
I did. [There's dark fire in my eyes. It would be a passionate, lengthy diatribe if the core of it hadn't already been said.]
> [Soubi pulls his sleeve easily out of your hand and puts your forearm in a very businesslike grip.] No one as weak as you has any business trying to shake me. [There's ice in that, but almost immediately, he releases your arm.]
[Winces, puts hands behind my back.] I'm sorry. I have no business taking my feelings out on you. [A bit awkward. I'm clumsy, right? Too clumsy to engage in boundary-testing in a more appropriate way. Let's hope he thinks so. But I also want him to know I do acknowledge it wasn't fair of me to express myself that way, so he doesn't think I'll do it again. As for his return insult, it's too obvious of a fact to be deeply wounding, and I guess I deserved it.]
You mean if I were strong, I'd have some business grabbing you without your consent? I don't underst-- [Pause.] No, I-- I see, I've been in this outside world. Where nobody-- there isn't much of a hierarchy, it's all confusing. And what you're supposed to put up with, you're supposed to put up with regardless of whether someone strong or weak does it; and what you're not supposed to put up with, you're supposed to object to from anyone. And nobody can yell at you for doing something that is socially acceptable regardless of whether they're really okay with you doing it. And what you can do is formed by popular opinion. It probably sounds stupid and fake to you, right? Of course you don't put up with that... You don't have to, you're really strong. I wonder if I could have learned to be stronger than-- than the bottom of the pile I am now... [Why the hell are my eyes getting misty?! This is so embarrassing!! Quickly, I switch topics.]
Well, about the reality... I grew up far away from all of this, and everyone around me insisted that magic wasn't real. I believed that it wasn't real, when I was little. Even while I kept having visions that it would really happen to me. Seeing you, and knowing that it is... I wonder how it could have been real, and yet not happened to me.
no subject
>You mean if I were strong, I'd have some business grabbing you without your consent?
[His eyes narrow, to show that he wouldn't be happy about it, regardless.] If you have enough power, you can do what you like.
[Listens intently to your explanation of why you were confused.] You're right: that sounds ridiculous.
>I wonder if I could have learned to be stronger than-- than the bottom of the pile I am now... [Why the hell are my eyes getting misty?! This is so embarrassing!!
[No. You understand what being unnecessarily weak means. Only someone stupid could say that without any emotion. As if the consequences didn't matter. He has pity for you. Making a place for yourself, above some and below others, is difficult. And a fighter is never the ... top of the heap, as you put it. They're not made for that. But to get as old as you are, and not be as strong as - not even know what you're really capable of, must be so sad. Not least because something in you seems to know it and miss it. He's never met a person who might have been better off, had they been sent to the Academy. It doesn't tend to make mistakes. But the tears in your eyes, when you wonder what they could have made you into, and the audible pain as you speak of what you are, make his heart clench.]
>Seeing you, and knowing that it is... I wonder how it could have been real, and yet not happened to me.
[Considers this silently, and finally says,] I think, in any world, that having a purpose that suits your true nature is given to very few. If you can't live without that - maybe it's right to go looking for it. [Assuming you aren't so lost that you don't know what to look for.]
[Politeness is a mask like any other. He's not sorry to see how you'd react to something he genuinely felt, without filters. It's useful to know that externalizing his anger was overkill, and despite that, you'd accept it without complaint. But he doesn't consider you any more of a friend because you'd stumble in public, or shrug it off afterwards. He's been trained to feel safer around someone who doesn't.]
no subject
I want to... I have to. But it's not like I can just go learn at the academy. You're the only one who would understand... Can you show me how? It won't do you any harm. I'm not stupid. I can keep the inside world to the inside, and the outsiders won't even know. You didn't even know I was there, did you?
[It's a strange, completely new paradigm for me to learn. One in which being genuine and sincere isn't the thing that will impress people, in which convincing them that I'm not lying to them isn't going to get them to trust me, because they think about whether I'm a liability, as well. And in which they're honest with themselves about basing their decisions on what benefits them, rather than trying to be nice to others who are nice. I've missed the target in part because proving myself to this Soubi isn't much at all like proving myself to the people I'm used to. The world I'm used to hasn't prepared me at all.] --I'll never let the secret get out to the outside world. I can handle them.
[If I trust Soubi more for his stumbling, if I feel bizarrely closer to him this way, it's because I'm far more used to avoiding those who would make me feel worthless and inept directly by comparison than those who would get close enough to me to betray me in the first place. The latter have existed, but they've been in the minority. And indirect harm caused by someone else's mistakes has been mostly limited in my prior life to circumstances I couldn't avoid and hadn't influenced. Soubi's wariness is logical and reasonable, but that sort of circumstance doesn't reach my instincts and feelings.]
[As for accepting his anger without complaint, I accept an extraordinary amount from people who have a point. It hadn't even occurred to me to object. Most people I know seem to think this makes me spineless. But I don't even get as far as considering whether I'm avoiding a fight that I'd have no hope of winning, because even before that, I consider it really stupid to push back and stick up for something that was actually wrong.]
no subject
No, it isn't, [Soubi agrees, half-listening and toying with possibilities.]
>You're the only one who would understand... Can you show me how? It won't do you any harm. I'm not stupid. I can keep the inside world to the inside, and the outsiders won't even know.
[Flatly:] I'm not known for being understanding. [He's not going to make promises to someone he really knows nothing about.] And even if ... I don't know how much you could learn, or use. I wasn't born with a name, but I was born a weapon.
>You didn't even know I was there, did you?
That's part of the problem. If I could sense you, it would mean you had some magic in you. [You're getting somewhere, though, when he's framing your not emitting an energy signature as a problem. Not that he's committed to what you've told him, but it's being ... considered.]
>I've missed the target in part because proving myself to this Soubi isn't much at all like proving myself to the people I'm used to. The world I'm used to hasn't prepared me at all.
[Mm. And neither has interacting with Ritsu? No, Soubi doesn't know about that. But his mun is curious.]
>--I'll never let the secret get out to the outside world. I can handle them.
[Impassive.] You're still more than half them, to me.
[Pretending you can turn into something different just by wanting, or saying that you are, will get you nowhere with him. Soubi doesn't play along. Whether being a fighter is something you can attain or not, he has no qualms about making you reach for it. You're better off restless until you find what's real. And anyway, if it turns out you have what it takes, he'll acknowledge you then.]
>[I don't even get as far as considering whether I'm avoiding a fight that I'd have no hope of winning, because even before that, I consider it really stupid to push back and stick up for something that was actually wrong.]
[Ah, yes. Soubi slips into this very naturally indeed - in relation to his master. With the hierarchy, who's saying what, and with what degree of respectfulness, still matters. The message is very far from being the only thing he takes into account. It's wrapped in many other layers of meaning.]
no subject
[Winces. Despite how easily I took being told I was weak, being told "You don't have any magic in you" feels like being told I'm retarded, dead, and not really a girl, all rolled up in one, and additionally, "we're not sure if anybody can fix that." That was deeply felt, and I hadn't thought of it. I'm knocked speechless for a moment.]
[Whispers] How can I not-- but. [I want to say, "But I'm so here. I'm so alive. Look at me." But that doesn't even make any sense.] Why can't you sense me? What if it could be in there somewhere? [I probably sound stupid. It probably doesn't work like that. No, but what if it's just different from what he's used to?]
[Or... but Ritsu attached himself to me. And Soubi can't even see that? An involuntary shiver creeps down my back. It could have been dangerous if he'd seen it. But if he can't, that's upsetting in a totally different way. I hope it's shielded, and not just too weak to be seen. At least I am already looking distraught and have plenty of excuse to continue to look that way.]
> [Mm. And neither has interacting with Ritsu? No, Soubi doesn't know about that. But his mun is curious.]
[No, that's helped-- the retroactive sense I've made out of his reaction is largely because of what I've picked up from interacting with Ritsu. But that hasn't been enough to overwrite a lifetime of outside-social programming yet.]
> [Impassive.] You're still more than half them, to me.
At least you can trust me to behave myself. I may be them, but I'm not like them. [I'm pretty sure that being "them" includes attitude as well as ability. Whereas what I'd do for magic, and a sacrifice, is totally outside the bounds of what a normal person would consider reasonable. I've had enough of playing nice and safe, not tempting malicious genies or making fatal contracts. I will take fulfilment wherever I can get it.]
no subject
[Soubi, as a result of Ritsu, has a bad habit of not treating something that's "only" true as potentially wounding. So your reaction is unexpected, and less-than-sympathetically received. It does register that his words had the force of a physical blow, and made you feel thoroughly invalidated. But how could ... you admitted that you've been watching him from the sidelines because you aren't a unit. Knowing that, he doesn't understand why anything he said came as a shock.]
>How can I not-- but. [...] Why can't you sense me? What if it could be in there somewhere? [I probably sound stupid. It probably doesn't work like that. No, but what if it's just different from what he's used to?]
[Soubi stops walking. He turns fully towards you and puts a hand on either side of your head. He spreads them apart a little, so that they aren't actually touching you and there's space, while he tries to feel for an energy field. He then puts a brief, tightly controlled flick of power through his hands, eyes never leaving your face.]
>Or... but Ritsu attached himself to me. And Soubi can't even see that?
[Ritsu only leaves marks when he means to. The connection between you two is nobody else's business. And it's absolutely the last thing in the world Soubi would be looking for.]
>I may be them, but I'm not like them.
What you mean is, you'd betray all of that in a heartbeat, if I asked you to prove yourself.
[Which makes you more dangerous, not less. He's not sure why he should trust your sincerity, when you say you're willing to turn against everything you are to become something you're not. What if it´s his world you want to bring down? But there are ways to test that. He's mildly tempted to knock you out, take you home, and call his sensei.]
no subject
> [Soubi stops walking. He turns fully towards you and puts a hand on either side of your head. He spreads them apart a little, so that they aren't actually touching you and there's space, while he tries to feel for an energy field. He then puts a brief, tightly controlled flick of power through his hands, eyes never leaving your face.]
[I know that magic isn't accomplished by thinking at things really hard. At the same time, I feel like a flitting consciousness is not what's going to bring out any flickers of anything that I do have. So I just take a deep breath and relax and stare blankly back at him, letting him read whatever's there. I have to keep shoving aside worries about what he'll find or what he won't find, though.]
> What you mean is, you'd betray all of that in a heartbeat, if I asked you to prove yourself.
I never asked to be part of all that. I was just assumed to be part of it because I existed and nobody could imagine that there was any other space where I could be existing. I never made it any promises. So there's nothing to betray.
> [He's mildly tempted to knock you out, take you home, and call his sensei.]
[Well, that would be embarrassing. ...It's not like I expected to accomplish much, anyway. But trying hasn't hurt anything except, potentially, my pride.]