>I want to... I have to. But it's not like I can just go learn at the academy.
No, it isn't, [Soubi agrees, half-listening and toying with possibilities.]
>You're the only one who would understand... Can you show me how? It won't do you any harm. I'm not stupid. I can keep the inside world to the inside, and the outsiders won't even know.
[Flatly:] I'm not known for being understanding. [He's not going to make promises to someone he really knows nothing about.] And even if ... I don't know how much you could learn, or use. I wasn't born with a name, but I was born a weapon.
>You didn't even know I was there, did you?
That's part of the problem. If I could sense you, it would mean you had some magic in you. [You're getting somewhere, though, when he's framing your not emitting an energy signature as a problem. Not that he's committed to what you've told him, but it's being ... considered.]
>I've missed the target in part because proving myself to this Soubi isn't much at all like proving myself to the people I'm used to. The world I'm used to hasn't prepared me at all.
[Mm. And neither has interacting with Ritsu? No, Soubi doesn't know about that. But his mun is curious.]
>--I'll never let the secret get out to the outside world. I can handle them.
[Impassive.] You're still more than half them, to me.
[Pretending you can turn into something different just by wanting, or saying that you are, will get you nowhere with him. Soubi doesn't play along. Whether being a fighter is something you can attain or not, he has no qualms about making you reach for it. You're better off restless until you find what's real. And anyway, if it turns out you have what it takes, he'll acknowledge you then.]
>[I don't even get as far as considering whether I'm avoiding a fight that I'd have no hope of winning, because even before that, I consider it really stupid to push back and stick up for something that was actually wrong.]
[Ah, yes. Soubi slips into this very naturally indeed - in relation to his master. With the hierarchy, who's saying what, and with what degree of respectfulness, still matters. The message is very far from being the only thing he takes into account. It's wrapped in many other layers of meaning.]
> That's part of the problem. If I could sense you, it would mean you had some magic in you.
[Winces. Despite how easily I took being told I was weak, being told "You don't have any magic in you" feels like being told I'm retarded, dead, and not really a girl, all rolled up in one, and additionally, "we're not sure if anybody can fix that." That was deeply felt, and I hadn't thought of it. I'm knocked speechless for a moment.]
[Whispers] How can I not-- but. [I want to say, "But I'm so here. I'm so alive. Look at me." But that doesn't even make any sense.] Why can't you sense me? What if it could be in there somewhere? [I probably sound stupid. It probably doesn't work like that. No, but what if it's just different from what he's used to?]
[Or... but Ritsu attached himself to me. And Soubi can't even see that? An involuntary shiver creeps down my back. It could have been dangerous if he'd seen it. But if he can't, that's upsetting in a totally different way. I hope it's shielded, and not just too weak to be seen. At least I am already looking distraught and have plenty of excuse to continue to look that way.]
> [Mm. And neither has interacting with Ritsu? No, Soubi doesn't know about that. But his mun is curious.]
[No, that's helped-- the retroactive sense I've made out of his reaction is largely because of what I've picked up from interacting with Ritsu. But that hasn't been enough to overwrite a lifetime of outside-social programming yet.]
> [Impassive.] You're still more than half them, to me.
At least you can trust me to behave myself. I may be them, but I'm not like them. [I'm pretty sure that being "them" includes attitude as well as ability. Whereas what I'd do for magic, and a sacrifice, is totally outside the bounds of what a normal person would consider reasonable. I've had enough of playing nice and safe, not tempting malicious genies or making fatal contracts. I will take fulfilment wherever I can get it.]
>Being told "You don't have any magic in you" feels like being told I'm retarded, dead, and not really a girl, all rolled up in one, and additionally, "we're not sure if anybody can fix that." That was deeply felt, and I hadn't thought of it.
[Soubi, as a result of Ritsu, has a bad habit of not treating something that's "only" true as potentially wounding. So your reaction is unexpected, and less-than-sympathetically received. It does register that his words had the force of a physical blow, and made you feel thoroughly invalidated. But how could ... you admitted that you've been watching him from the sidelines because you aren't a unit. Knowing that, he doesn't understand why anything he said came as a shock.]
>How can I not-- but. [...] Why can't you sense me? What if it could be in there somewhere? [I probably sound stupid. It probably doesn't work like that. No, but what if it's just different from what he's used to?]
[Soubi stops walking. He turns fully towards you and puts a hand on either side of your head. He spreads them apart a little, so that they aren't actually touching you and there's space, while he tries to feel for an energy field. He then puts a brief, tightly controlled flick of power through his hands, eyes never leaving your face.]
>Or... but Ritsu attached himself to me. And Soubi can't even see that?
[Ritsu only leaves marks when he means to. The connection between you two is nobody else's business. And it's absolutely the last thing in the world Soubi would be looking for.]
>I may be them, but I'm not like them.
What you mean is, you'd betray all of that in a heartbeat, if I asked you to prove yourself.
[Which makes you more dangerous, not less. He's not sure why he should trust your sincerity, when you say you're willing to turn against everything you are to become something you're not. What if it´s his world you want to bring down? But there are ways to test that. He's mildly tempted to knock you out, take you home, and call his sensei.]
> [Soubi stops walking. He turns fully towards you and puts a hand on either side of your head. He spreads them apart a little, so that they aren't actually touching you and there's space, while he tries to feel for an energy field. He then puts a brief, tightly controlled flick of power through his hands, eyes never leaving your face.]
[I know that magic isn't accomplished by thinking at things really hard. At the same time, I feel like a flitting consciousness is not what's going to bring out any flickers of anything that I do have. So I just take a deep breath and relax and stare blankly back at him, letting him read whatever's there. I have to keep shoving aside worries about what he'll find or what he won't find, though.]
> What you mean is, you'd betray all of that in a heartbeat, if I asked you to prove yourself.
I never asked to be part of all that. I was just assumed to be part of it because I existed and nobody could imagine that there was any other space where I could be existing. I never made it any promises. So there's nothing to betray.
> [He's mildly tempted to knock you out, take you home, and call his sensei.]
[Well, that would be embarrassing. ...It's not like I expected to accomplish much, anyway. But trying hasn't hurt anything except, potentially, my pride.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
lifelessbeloved) wrote2012-02-24 04:29 am
no subject
No, it isn't, [Soubi agrees, half-listening and toying with possibilities.]
>You're the only one who would understand... Can you show me how? It won't do you any harm. I'm not stupid. I can keep the inside world to the inside, and the outsiders won't even know.
[Flatly:] I'm not known for being understanding. [He's not going to make promises to someone he really knows nothing about.] And even if ... I don't know how much you could learn, or use. I wasn't born with a name, but I was born a weapon.
>You didn't even know I was there, did you?
That's part of the problem. If I could sense you, it would mean you had some magic in you. [You're getting somewhere, though, when he's framing your not emitting an energy signature as a problem. Not that he's committed to what you've told him, but it's being ... considered.]
>I've missed the target in part because proving myself to this Soubi isn't much at all like proving myself to the people I'm used to. The world I'm used to hasn't prepared me at all.
[Mm. And neither has interacting with Ritsu? No, Soubi doesn't know about that. But his mun is curious.]
>--I'll never let the secret get out to the outside world. I can handle them.
[Impassive.] You're still more than half them, to me.
[Pretending you can turn into something different just by wanting, or saying that you are, will get you nowhere with him. Soubi doesn't play along. Whether being a fighter is something you can attain or not, he has no qualms about making you reach for it. You're better off restless until you find what's real. And anyway, if it turns out you have what it takes, he'll acknowledge you then.]
>[I don't even get as far as considering whether I'm avoiding a fight that I'd have no hope of winning, because even before that, I consider it really stupid to push back and stick up for something that was actually wrong.]
[Ah, yes. Soubi slips into this very naturally indeed - in relation to his master. With the hierarchy, who's saying what, and with what degree of respectfulness, still matters. The message is very far from being the only thing he takes into account. It's wrapped in many other layers of meaning.]
no subject
[Winces. Despite how easily I took being told I was weak, being told "You don't have any magic in you" feels like being told I'm retarded, dead, and not really a girl, all rolled up in one, and additionally, "we're not sure if anybody can fix that." That was deeply felt, and I hadn't thought of it. I'm knocked speechless for a moment.]
[Whispers] How can I not-- but. [I want to say, "But I'm so here. I'm so alive. Look at me." But that doesn't even make any sense.] Why can't you sense me? What if it could be in there somewhere? [I probably sound stupid. It probably doesn't work like that. No, but what if it's just different from what he's used to?]
[Or... but Ritsu attached himself to me. And Soubi can't even see that? An involuntary shiver creeps down my back. It could have been dangerous if he'd seen it. But if he can't, that's upsetting in a totally different way. I hope it's shielded, and not just too weak to be seen. At least I am already looking distraught and have plenty of excuse to continue to look that way.]
> [Mm. And neither has interacting with Ritsu? No, Soubi doesn't know about that. But his mun is curious.]
[No, that's helped-- the retroactive sense I've made out of his reaction is largely because of what I've picked up from interacting with Ritsu. But that hasn't been enough to overwrite a lifetime of outside-social programming yet.]
> [Impassive.] You're still more than half them, to me.
At least you can trust me to behave myself. I may be them, but I'm not like them. [I'm pretty sure that being "them" includes attitude as well as ability. Whereas what I'd do for magic, and a sacrifice, is totally outside the bounds of what a normal person would consider reasonable. I've had enough of playing nice and safe, not tempting malicious genies or making fatal contracts. I will take fulfilment wherever I can get it.]
no subject
[Soubi, as a result of Ritsu, has a bad habit of not treating something that's "only" true as potentially wounding. So your reaction is unexpected, and less-than-sympathetically received. It does register that his words had the force of a physical blow, and made you feel thoroughly invalidated. But how could ... you admitted that you've been watching him from the sidelines because you aren't a unit. Knowing that, he doesn't understand why anything he said came as a shock.]
>How can I not-- but. [...] Why can't you sense me? What if it could be in there somewhere? [I probably sound stupid. It probably doesn't work like that. No, but what if it's just different from what he's used to?]
[Soubi stops walking. He turns fully towards you and puts a hand on either side of your head. He spreads them apart a little, so that they aren't actually touching you and there's space, while he tries to feel for an energy field. He then puts a brief, tightly controlled flick of power through his hands, eyes never leaving your face.]
>Or... but Ritsu attached himself to me. And Soubi can't even see that?
[Ritsu only leaves marks when he means to. The connection between you two is nobody else's business. And it's absolutely the last thing in the world Soubi would be looking for.]
>I may be them, but I'm not like them.
What you mean is, you'd betray all of that in a heartbeat, if I asked you to prove yourself.
[Which makes you more dangerous, not less. He's not sure why he should trust your sincerity, when you say you're willing to turn against everything you are to become something you're not. What if it´s his world you want to bring down? But there are ways to test that. He's mildly tempted to knock you out, take you home, and call his sensei.]
no subject
> [Soubi stops walking. He turns fully towards you and puts a hand on either side of your head. He spreads them apart a little, so that they aren't actually touching you and there's space, while he tries to feel for an energy field. He then puts a brief, tightly controlled flick of power through his hands, eyes never leaving your face.]
[I know that magic isn't accomplished by thinking at things really hard. At the same time, I feel like a flitting consciousness is not what's going to bring out any flickers of anything that I do have. So I just take a deep breath and relax and stare blankly back at him, letting him read whatever's there. I have to keep shoving aside worries about what he'll find or what he won't find, though.]
> What you mean is, you'd betray all of that in a heartbeat, if I asked you to prove yourself.
I never asked to be part of all that. I was just assumed to be part of it because I existed and nobody could imagine that there was any other space where I could be existing. I never made it any promises. So there's nothing to betray.
> [He's mildly tempted to knock you out, take you home, and call his sensei.]
[Well, that would be embarrassing. ...It's not like I expected to accomplish much, anyway. But trying hasn't hurt anything except, potentially, my pride.]